What Does It Mean To Have Secure Attachment?

Research shows that our earliest relationships can have a profound effect on us. Attachment theory is the idea that children raised by responsive, involved, accepting parents will develop secure attachment styles. On the other hand, people who have less responsive and distanced parents have a higher risk of developing insecure attachment styles.

Your attachment style can affect your mental health and relationships. People with more secure attachment styles tend to have more stable mental health and stronger, more trustful relationships. However, don't worry if you don't have a secure attachment style. Your attachment style isn't set in stone. You can turn an insecure attachment style into a more secure one.

Signs of Secure Attachment

People with a secure attachment style have what's called an “internal working model,” a term coined by psychoanalyst John Bowlby, who developed attachment theory. Securely attached people believe they are worthy of success and love. As a result, they have certain attributes or characteristics, such as:

• Positive self-worth
• Healthy self-confidence
• Ability to form strong relationships with friends, family, and partners
  
• Strong emotional regulation skills
• Stable mental health
• High level of functioning and communication in interpersonal relationships
• Trusting of others
• Expecting others to have good intentions
• Empathy toward people around them
• Lower levels of distress
  

Benefits

There are many benefits to having a secure attachment style. People with more secure attachment styles tend to fare better when it comes to mental health, self-esteem, and the ability to form strong, secure bonds with others.

Researchers have found that people with secure attachment styles have a “secure-base script,” which is like an internal dialogue they use when faced with difficulties and stress. For example, someone with a secure attachment style might think, “If I am faced with a challenge, I will always have someone to turn to. That person will support me as I move through this obstacle, and they will provide the comfort and support I need to get through it.”

People with secure attachment styles tend to be optimistic, have high levels of self-worth, and trust others more easily than individuals with more insecure attachment styles. They also tend to be more resilient and adaptive when faced with challenges. Overall, securely attached people have strong social skills with the people around them.

The Theory of Secure Attachment

Attachment theory was first developed by psychoanalyst John Bowlby. Bowlby believed that your earliest relationships with your primary caregivers have a strong and lasting impact on your feelings of security in relationships as you grow older.

The idea is that children who were raised by warm, responsive parents grow up to develop secure and trusting attachment styles, whereas children who were raised with more distant, less communicative parents have insecure attachments.

According to Bowlby, children who develop secure attachment styles grow up to be adults who:

• Have a positive, self-assured view of themselves
• Can develop trusting, healthy, and valuable relationships with others

How a Secure Attachment Style Develops

The basis for attachment theory is that your earliest relationships shape you most profoundly and have the greatest effect on your attachment style. In other words, infants parented by responsible, emotionally available parents have a strong “secure base” and feel confident exploring the world and developing trusting relationships with others.

Further research has found that the relationships you have later in childhood and throughout your adult life can strongly dictate your attachment style. For example, the close friendships you form in childhood and during your lifetime can help you develop a more secure attachment style in adulthood.

Teachers can become strong attachment figures for children. A supportive teacher can help children develop self-confidence and form more secure relationships with other people. In your teen years, having meaningful adult role models can also positively influence your attachment style. This could be an adult who plays a mentoring role or who serves as a parental figure to you.

How To Create Secure Attachment

As much as your earliest relationships shape your attachment style, it’s possible to develop a more securely attached style during the later parts of childhood, and throughout your lifespan. This can be accomplished by actively developing healthy and trusting relationships with people close to you. Doing so might also involve entering therapy (individual or couples therapy) to work on attachment.

Research has found that you can build security in adulthood by experiencing trusting relationships with partners and friends. Even non-human relationships, such as with a pet or a religious figure, can increase your feelings of security and help you develop a more secure attachment style.

One of the most effective ways to create a more secure attachment style is to work on communication and attachment in your relationship with your significant other. For example, the following practices can help promote secure attachment in relationships:

• Giving love, attention, and support when your partner is experiencing stress
• Being available and responsive to your partner’s emotional needs
• Engaging in acts of intimacy, including hugs and gentle touch, regularly
• Showing attentiveness and care when your partner is experiencing times of heightened relationship insecurity

You can work on these exercises and activities with your partner, but it can also be helpful to work on them in a therapy setting. Emotion-focused therapy (EFT) is specifically for people who wish to develop more secure attachment styles together as a couple. Evidence suggests that EFT helps partners become “secure bases” for one another. People engaging in EFT tend to have decreased relationship stress and increased relationship satisfaction.

According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), couples who engage in therapy with an attachment focus can more effectively communicate relationship issues and tend to have more long-term success. Studies of EFT therapy specifically have found that up to 75% of couples experience a reduction in distress and positive signs of relationship recovery.

Overcoming Insecure Attachment

People with secure attachment styles tend to be comfortable in close relationships, while people with less secure attachment styles (such as anxious attachment or avoidant attachment) may show some of the following signs when navigating intimate relationships:

• Depending on others too much
• Going out of your way to avoid intimacy
• Avoiding socializing
• Being preoccupied with intimacy
• Feeling distrustful of intimate relationships
• Low self-esteem and low feelings of self-worth in relationships

Whether a person can develop a secure attachment style in childhood is not something they can control. It’s not your fault if you were cared for in a way in childhood that caused you to develop an insecure attachment style as you got older.

There’s hope, though. Research has found that developing secure relationships with others later in life is possible and that doing so can help you form a more secure attachment style. Several types of psychotherapy can also help you move from an insecure attachment style to a more secure attachment style, such as:

• Mentalization-based therapy:
• Accelerated experiential-dynamic psychotherapy:
• Attachment-based group psychotherapy:
• Group psychodynamic interpersonal psychotherapy:

You don’t necessarily need to enter these specific kinds of therapy to benefit from therapy. Any psychologist or mental health clinician attuned to your attachment needs and who understands your desire to strengthen your security in relationships will likely be able to offer valuable support.

The important thing is to find a therapist who listens to you and who you feel comfortable with. The therapist-patient relationship itself can be healing. A kind and emotionally responsive therapist can help you develop a more secure attachment style.

Not everyone can afford or has access to a culturally competent therapist who can understand you. Going to therapy, while helpful, isn't the end-all-be-all of attachment. You can try other strategies to slowly help your insecure attachment turn into a more secure one, such as:

• Reading a book about attachment theory to learn more about yourself and better understand your beliefs about relationships
• Communicate to others when you're having a problem in the relationship
• Listen empathetically when people open up to you
• Leave toxic relationships if they don't serve you
• Practice mindfulness to lower anxiety about social relationships

A Quick Review

People who were raised by parents who responded sensitively to their emotional needs are more likely to have secure attachment styles. Having a secure attachment style means experiencing high self-esteem, resilience, and the ability to form strong, trusting relationships with others.

While not everyone has a secure attachment style, you can become more securely attached, even as an adult. You can do this by strengthening your close relationships with others and trying therapy to learn more about yourself and your relationships.